David Fitzgerald: Fifty per cent Shergar is OK for you in jam

I WILL be with you in a minute, I am just watching the England Rugby highlight on television……there we are, back with you now.

Last week it was pies, this week it's preserves, Popes and apostrophes.

If you missed last week, pies can't be called pies unless they have a lid, a pastry top. Now, believe it or not an EU ruling says that jam can not be called jam unless it has 60% sugar in it. Anything lower and it must be called a preserve.

One woman from Manchester has taken the Eurocrats on and they have relented – a bit. Now jam can be called jam with only 50% sugar.

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But you can bet that that ruling came from the same desk in the same office which says sugar is bad for you. The same office, which we pay for, which has dealt with the horse meat scandal! Maybe someone misheard? 'Sorry I thought you said 50% Shergar is OK!'

And so to Mid Devon, where their apostrophes are causing problems. The apostrophe is being banned from street names by the council to avoid potential confusion.

Names and signs will have to be changed. Maybe you have got your priorities a little confused? In the land of a thousand potholes, you are worried about Baker's View or Bakers View, a place name in Newton Abbot. Is there an apostrophe in the word pothole?

There is in this sentence: 'The unattended potholes have just knackered my car's suspension.' If this were adopted by the people of Plymouth would you really want to see money spent on changing Derry's Cross to Derrys Cross or even Derry Cross or Cross of Derry? Do you want to see money spent on changing Derry's Cross, now there's a question!

Speaking of crosses or cross's … to Rome. The last time I heard that many people say who….was at a Who concert!

I was transfixed as The Vatican gave us a new kid on the block in the shape of the Argentine Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio.

Obviously the bread contract will be looked at now and 'give us our daily corned beef' will be slipped into the Lord's Prayer but what else will change?

The enemy, the good lady wife, did ask why it took over an hour to get His Holiness out on to the balcony after the white smoke but as I pointed out, it does take some time to get a 76-year-old up four flights of stairs in a building five times the size of Debenhams, into a ball gown, learn a speech in several languages and struggle past an irate German yelling….I'll be back!'

This man is the same age as Bobby Charlton, Jack Nicolson and Shirley Bassey! None of them have performed in front of a 750,000 live crowd at the drop of a hat.

The world is speculating where he will visit first. Might I suggest Ikea… those Vatican curtains are so 1980s.

Right, I'm off to see my dentist in St Judes... or is it St Jude's?

Fitz