David Fitzgerald: Do tits like roasted nuts?

I WAS travelling back from Plymouth a few days ago when I became aware of a low-pitched whine coming from the passenger side of the vehicle and assumed it was yet another wheel bearing, spring or strut problem.

Having just left most of the contents of my engine bay in a pothole on Budshead Road, I am used to strange noises coming from one time perfectly serviceable cars.

However, on closer inspection I discovered that this particular whine was coming from the enemy, the good lady wife.

The garden needs tidying, the garage is a mess and the shed is a tip.

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We have had this conversation before and I said that I would get round to it.

In fact I clearly remember stating that in June of last year…… and told her that I now considered this second outburst as persistent 'nagging.'

Anyway as soon as we arrived home I set to work with brush, rake and bonfire.

Yes, I know it is not very 'green' but I did have a lot of cupboard boxes and 2012's Christmas tree to get rid of and little time to visit my local recycling centre where to deposit anything these days you have to undergo a one to one meet and greet at the gate, a written test on what is in your boot and leave a stool and blood sample in order to identify yourself. This has been a point of issue where I live, as it was believed that it might lead to illegal dumping in and around the country lanes but as most of the lanes are so badly potholed, even fly tippers are put off by the damage they can do to their untaxed, uninsured transit vans, with adverts claiming to be tarmac and roofing specialists from Chester.

So by and by, I wandered back out to the garden, got distracted and put bread on the bird table, replaced the nuts and seeds in the feeders and then turned my attention to the bonfire.

This was the pattern of events which I have laid down mainly for the insurance company and medical claim solicitor I am using.

1. Approached bonfire with lighter, flicked lighter, failed to light.

2. Added newspaper, flicked lighter, failed to light.

3. Added accelerant, namely squirted WD40 on several boxes and former Christmas tree, flicked lighter, failed to light.

4. Added more WD40, then a little more and then some more newspaper, then more WD40. Flicked lighter.

5. Sprinted to house in order to phone strike command that the fireball over Ivybridge was not a pre-emptive attack from Eastern Block countries, no need to issue retaliatory strike.

6. Then phoned RSPB to see if birds can eat toast and do tits like roasted nuts?

7. Extinguished bird table.

In order to draw attention away from that little incident I then offered to take the bin out but then promptly dropped said bin. The nurse said that if the toe goes black it is broken but the limp will take people's attention away from the fact that I have no eyebrows.

Ladies, never ask a busy man to do anything.

Yours

Fitz