D'OH! Plymouth is showing signs of going the way of Springfield, Homer Simpson's home town.

Now I'm not saying that the nuclear submarine scrapyard planned for Devonport will be the kind of radioactive disaster area presided over by Mr Burns.

And I'm not suggesting that the giant waste incinerator we're likely to have plonked in our midst will do the kind of damage that Springfield's reactor does to its schoolchildren.

Almost certainly, there will be no mutant three-eyed fish or giant spiders, no radioactive rats.

When Charles Darwin visited the city in 1831, before his famous voyage round the world on The Beagle, he raved about the place (when his spirits weren't dampened by the incessant rain of that year).

In this, the 200th anniversary of Darwin's birth, we're in danger of evolving into a city that people will visit only if they have to. We are being hoodwinked (a word used by Liberal Democrat Stephen Kearney recently) in so many ways that we should be getting seriously riled up about it.

  "NO DECISION has been made". Listen for that weaselly little phrase.

When we were asked to accept a number of sites for "possible" use for waste handling, we were told: "Don't worry, no decision has been made." Yet when a decision is finally announced to build the "Energy from Waste" plant (another weasel phrase) at Coypool or Ernesettle, we'll be told that, far from being a new idea, this was always on the cards.

The same technique was trotted out as we were softened up for the Navy to pull out of Plymouth. "Don't worry," they said. "No decision has been made. We're just carrying out a Naval Base Review." When they finally gave the bad news we were offered the crumb of comfort that we'd get work breaking up nuclear submarines by way of compensation. Oh, joy!

When people began to worry about that, they were told: "Calm down. No decision has been made. But Gary Streeter, the MP for South West Devon, appears to think a decision has been made. He told The Herald: "We all know the MoD wants to cut up nuclear submarines in Devonport. In truth there is nowhere else that can deal with this highly skilled work." SO NOW you've been warned. This autumn they'll be looking seriously at cutting up old submarines, and the work has to start next year.

The MoD promised "consultation", but what does that mean? It's just six months until 2010. If the consultation reaches the conclusion that Devonport is unsuitable it will take years to build a new facility, so how can you tell me they haven't already decided?

Dr David Salter, Plymouth City Council Cabinet member and a scientist himself, asks: "If the Babcock/Naval Base dismantling activity is deemed to take place on Crown land, then it is possible that we may have no legal right of veto. In the 21st century that would be entirely unacceptable outside time of war."

Sid Anning, general-purpose thorn-in-the-side and campaigner, suffered from nuclear contamination after visiting the site of British nuclear tests in the late 1950s.

"Frankly, I am horrified that people like Gary Streeter, Vivien Pengelly, Barry Keel, and others are saying that it is OK to cut up nuclear submarines in a city of 250,000," Mr Anning says.

They are sadly mistaken to think that a "few acres of land and a few jobs" is a fair return for the risk.

You can jump up and down now, or you can listen to Homer: "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

  IT'S EASY to forget that the glorious Mount Edgcumbe estate is part-owned by Plymouth, and is run by the city council.

An invitation to a wedding in the Earl's Garden at Mount Edgcumbe last weekend was a reminder that we're all just a Cremyll ferry boat-ride away from feeling like one of the toffs.

The estate includes the National Camellia Collection, but with a bride like Angie, who needs flowers?